Slice of Life 31/31

I drag music onto the playlist, scrolling down and clicking on albums.
"That one," says my sister.
"NO," I reply. "That makes me want to pull my hair out."
"Ok." A sigh. My brother appears in the doorway.
"Do you have another copy of the packing list?" he asks.
"I'll print one." We are going on a road trip tomorrow, and I'm helping them prepare. It takes a ton of effort to get my family out of the house, especially because we have three dogs, a leopard gecko, an outdoor pond, an aquarium and an endlessly confusing system of trash cans and light switches which I haven't even mastered yet. It took three hours to instruct our house sitter. Tomorrow is the last day of our Slice of Life challenge, and I don't want to count on remembering to do it on the road. It's been fun, and I liked all of the writing practice. Sometimes it was definitely a challenge to come up with something about my life that was worth writing about. I am proud to have posted all 31 days, so I'll post this last one and pack with my brother, who has been incessantly asking if I'm ready yet.

Slice of Life 30/31

It's nine in the morning and my alarm clock just went off. The radio was welcome today rather than weekdays, when anything that plays is grating but I'm too tired to do anything but sluggishly hit the button. I pick up the book that I need to finish before my Hebrew lesson. It's now 9:10. I have 110 minutes to read 40 pages. That's more than enough. I finish and wander downstairs for breakfast, hearing my brother and sister practicing the four questions for Passover. I'm glad that I don't have to do it this year. Reading the four questions is torture. Basically, a bunch of relatives stare at you with this expectant expression that says that they think you're adorable and that you're basically the lowest form of human, to be used only for their entertainment. I'm surprised they don't make us wear demeaning hats. I guess their demeaning stares are enough embarrassment. I am always relieved to see the one member of the meager audience who just looks bored and hungry. This year, my siblings will be the four questions monkeys and I will stare with the murder gaze.

Slice of Life 29/31

"Am I allowed to bring food in?" asks Jonah.
"It's a giant warehouse. I think the only rule is to pay for stuff," I reply. We are pulling into the parking lot at Costco. It's Friday afternoon, spring break, and I just want to go home and watch T.V., but we are leaving on Monday, so my mom has to buy things. She gives me cash at the door and I herd my siblings toward the food court. I think the fact that Costco has a food court is a testament to how huge it really is. People can lose a lot of blood sugar if they ignore the samples (which no one ever does). I get a churro and immediately regret it as I taste my sister's smoothie. The smoothies have a ton of sugar and probably a lot of other crap, but they taste amazing. That's all we ever get at the food court, sugary things and occasionally the dollar pizza. Some of the items on the menu are just baffling, including the 'Chicken Bake,' an entree consisting of chicken, cheese, bacon and Cesar dressing. I think it sounds disgusting. My phone rings, and it's my mom, updating me on her location. We head to the meat department.

Slice of Life 28/31

Expo markers smell good, a mystery mix of chemicals that have become synonymous with school. Ever since I was little, there was something very compelling about using a whiteboard to create very temporary artwork and a few minutes with the board is still pretty great. Yesterday afternoon I found myself finished with my work and just a half hour from spring break. The black marker was free. I began to draw, and I remembered how hard it is to create something great on a shiny vertical surface. I had to make sure that my hand didn't touch my previous work and if I were to erase carelessly with my hand I would have irritating smudges. I drew something that I was proud of, but everything on the whiteboard is terminated, so I didn't get too attached.

Slice of Life 27/31

I strapped myself into the gray seat, threw my backpack onto the window seat and said,
     "I hope nobody takes the seat next to me." I like having a seat for my stuff. Nobody did. I pulled out My Pearls book and began to tune out the mindless banter, but occasionally I would hear something funny and laugh inwardly. That's why I always try to be on the fun bus, because if I were to forget entertainment, I would have entertainment in my friends. On our fall trip, the hour and a half that I spent on the boring bus felt like the longest of my life. I shift the shoulder pads so that they are out of my way and I lean forward to converse, weird 80's music the way-too-loud soundtrack of my life right now.

Slice of Life 26/31

Mealworms have segmented bodies with exoskeletons. I study them almost every day because they are food for Waffles. The container lid gives a little resistance when you try to open it, and they are kept in the fridge in the garage because my mom has a completely irrational fear of them. The ones that are alive have a round shape, and the dead ones are kind of flattened so if you were to roll it between your fingers it would not work very well. Some are active minutes after I remove them from the cold. When I carry them upstairs they try to force their way through my fingers and their legs and mouth parts almost hurt. The feeling was disconcerting at first, but now I'm used to it. The rest of my family is not.

Slice of Life 3/25: See You at Harry's by Jo Knowles

This week I read See You at Harry's. It is about a girl who hates her family and but especially her little brother, who is very irritating. They own an ice cream place. It is somewhat sad.
I did not like it. Everyone kept recommending this book so I was surprised because it was so young and easy. I guess it was sad, but the main character didn't have much of a personality, so there wasn't enough of an emotional reaction to the tragedy for it to be really sad. That was the problem with most of the characters, they had one prominent feature and other than that, they were flat, boring cardboard people. If you like being bored, really cliche, unoriginal plots or are 10, this is the book for you.

Slice of Life 3/24

I knelt on the tile floor. The smell of wet, dirty fur and soap was overpowering. My brother and I were in our swimsuits in my parent's huge shower, washing Zippi after her most recent hunting endeavor. My head was between her front paws, scrubbing and watching the dirty water swirl down the drain. I was as gentle as I could be around the shaved section, trying not to disturb the stitches, which miraculously hadn't broken. I got to the right leg, mindlessly pumping more dog shampoo into my palm, and she flinched, refusing to put her paw back down. I scanned the front and back of her leg, her underarm, the back of her elbow and between the pads of her paw with my eyes, wary of touching any surface. Then I found it. It could have easily been a hair except for its stiffness and angle, straight out and away from her leg.
     "Jonah," I said, calmly, "I need tweezers." He handed me a pair of old tweezer scissors, made of clunky metal with angled, fine tips. I grasped the splinter and pulled, met with a sickening amount of resistance, but it was out, between the tweezers and huge, easily a quarter of an inch long. I dropped the forceps into my dad's hand, through the shower door and he examined it.
     "This is a cactus quill," he said. "We were in an area with prickly pears." As I rinsed blood from the white fur of her right leg, I realized that this calls for more searching, because there is no way that a cactus would have that much self control.

Slice of Life 3/23

Public Service Announcements were once just something I had to deal with and sit through, but now I find them kind of interesting. As I was surfing YouTube, I found a link to the Top 20 Scariest PSAs. Obviously, I watched it. Some of them are just scary for the sake of grabbing your attention, but the really effective ones grab your attention and make the message clear. One of my favorites was for the Concerned Children's Advertisers and it was telling the viewer to be careful about believing everything you see on TV. This one isn't really scary, but it's funny and I definitely wish I had a house hippo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLG2JP0P5JE

I love this one. This one is very memorable and effective, but its really gory:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BCA8dQfGi0

Slice of Life 3/22

Once my siblings go to bed, I can watch TV in peace. I sit on the end of the couch and watch something that is inappropriate for them as I hear their footsteps upstairs. They run and yell a lot before bed, which is probably frustrating for my parents, but I think its funny. Sometimes I'll hear my brother throw a tantrum because its too late for his to watch this old cop show that he likes. Once they are in bed, my parents come downstairs, usually my dad first, trailed by Zippi, which causes the old dogs to bark incessantly, forcing me to pause my show for at least five minutes. Then my mom comes down, finishes cleaning the kitchen and sits down on the other end of the couch. My dad finishes feeding the dogs at about this time and he stands in the back of the family room, quietly judging whatever I'm watching as my mom tries to tell me when to go to bed. At this point I'm pretty much doomed.

Slice of Life 3/21

Here are the pros and cons to getting a class dog, something that we have been seriously considering.

Pros:

Dogs are the best
We could adopt an older dog that is already house trained and would be euthanized anyway
It's not that expensive to adopt through the Dumb Friends League
The person that we like the least could clean the Potty Patch every week
It would eat the food that we drop on the floor and provide companionship

Cons:

Usually nobody is here on the weekends
Dog food can be expensive
If people leave food out it would probably eat it
Allergies and dog hair (hypoallergenic dogs are usually terrible)

Slice of Life 3/20

Yesterday I got the new Pearls Before Swine treasury. It has a year's worth of Pearls strips and it's been a really long time since a new one was released. Pearls is my favorite comic strip because the humor is very cynical and they make fun of stupid people. Even though the art isn't very good, I like how Stephan Pastis makes fun of himself and breaks the fourth wall. I like the treasuries because he adds comments below some of the strips that aren't in the collections or newspapers. The crocs are my favorite characters because they are stupid and weird and their accents make their dialogue funny to read. I also like Rat because he reminds me of an alcoholic, depressed version of myself. If you haven't read Pearls Before Swine, I highly recommend it.

Slice of Life 3/19

Waffles sheds about once a month. I can always tell before she sheds because her entire body is much paler than usual, and around her legs and face the skin looks baggy. I have to put wet crumpled up pieces of paper towel in her caves so that she has more humidity and the skin comes off more smoothly. It can take a couple of days, but Waffles always finishes within a couple of hours. When she's done shedding, she eats it. Once I found the skin from her entire foot and you could see each toenail. It dried in the exact shape of her foot and all of her spots were darker. It doesn't seem that unusual, but imagine if humans shed an entire layer of skin all at once and ate it. Imagine if you didn't take a shower for that long and you skin was totally opaque because it was so dirty. If you had a tattoo would you see faint blue outlines in each layer you shed or no trace of it at all? These are the things I think about as I use a damp q-tip to gently ease the last of the skin off of her toes, because if I don't, they will fall off.

Slice of Life 3/18: Looking for Alaska by John Green

This week I read Looking for Alaska because last week I read a book by the same author that I loved. This book is about a kid who really likes last words. He goes to a boarding school and meets a lot of weird people, including this girl named Alaska. The entire book is in terms of before and after an event, and it starts off several hundred days before and ends a while after.
I kind of liked this book. The writing style was good and the story moved along quickly and in an interesting way. The character could have been developed a little better, but they weren't completely generic. My main problem with this book, however, was that I missed the point. I can't elaborate much more without spoilers, but it all built up to this event, and the aftermath didn't make sense. I would recommend this book because I think that it is a matter of opinion. There is quite a bit of mature content, but I think that it is appropriate for everyone in our class as long as you keep that in mind.

Slice of Life 3/17

When I was in primary, people were really into pinching you if you didn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day. It used to drive me crazy because I thought that since I was Jewish it didn't apply to me, and it was stupid. I was a little worried when I got here this morning and realized that is St. Patrick's Day, and I was just hoping that everyone was mature enough by now to know that it is still stupid. Fortunately, my low expectations were unreasonably low, because so far, no one has acted like they are still seven.

Slice of Life 3/16

I spin the papers on the counter towards me, and see that they are two veterinary discharge forms dated Friday and Saturday. Two consecutive vet visits, only in my house. On Friday, when Zippi got back from hunting, we noticed a huge, deep patch on her leg where both a layer of skin and fur were missing. That was the first visit to the late-night vet. My parents know her well enough to know that she's one of their favorites at Alameda East.
On Saturday afternoon, I paused from tying my shoes to listen to my dad. He said that he smelled either a skunk or a fox in the backyard, and to be careful. We would both prefer a fox.
"What would you do if you saw one?"
"If it was a fox, I'd yell until it left. If it was a skunk, I'd back away slowly," I said. That's probably not official wildlife protocol, but this is our backyard. I don't think anyone cares.
"That sounds good. I'd like to shoot it," he responds.
"That's illegal."
"I know."
It's been a day and neither of us has smelled it again, which is good, considering my sixteen-year-old dog had a gastrointestinal virus that gave her a violent bout of diarrhea. She's okay, but that led to a little extra stress. I guess that's just what you have to expect living with three dogs.

Slice of Life 3/15

 My Aunt and Uncle have a condo in Winter Park, and although we don't ski, we go up there sometimes for a mini vacation. It takes a lot more work for my family of five to leave the house than I would expect, but that ultimately translates into a ton of luggage, but I still firmly believe that as long as it doesn't involve a plane, I am not sharing my duffel bag. When we get there, we usually put as much stuff as we can into the elevator, wait as it ascends three painfully slow floors and toss everything out. This elevator is the worst I've ever seen, and it doesn't help that I spend fifteen minutes straight going up and down, tossing luggage and praying that it doesn't stop. I honestly don't know whether I am being paranoid or if it is a real concern, but that elevator is terrifying and smells strange and bugs are constantly stuck in the light.

Slice of Life 3/14

I used to really like using Comic Sans, but then I realized that I made everything I wrote look really unprofessional. Then I moved on to other fonts, such as the one that looks like the credits of a 1930's horror movie. Most fonts either look stupid and too dramatic, or like worse and useless versions of Times New Roman. That's why I usually use Times, because I would rather readers focus on the content of my writing than it's appearance. I don't even remember what my blog font is called, but it just makes me think that my writing is confusing and pointless. I wish I knew how to change it.

Slice of Life 3/13

I like fish a lot. They're my favorite animal because they're beautiful and very graceful and they have their priorities straight. Some fish are really intelligent, and sometimes I play with the ones in my aquarium by pointing a laser at them and the back wall of the tank. Some of my fish will chase it. Being underwater seems separated from the confusing realities of the real world, which is why it upsets me when we destroy it. People don't realize the things that actually cause problems for the ocean, such as farm-raised fish. Some fish farms dump the waste into the ocean, and the tightly packed living quarters spread a lot of disease. One pound of farm-raised salmon takes about four pounds of food to raise, and that food is often whatever shows up in the trawler. Many species of bottom-feeders have gone extinct because of this. I don't want to lecture anyone on how to save the ocean, but I think that before we make efforts to save something, we should learn the facts about how to save it.

Slice of Life 3/12

These are the main things that I don't understand about life in general:

How do people think that algebra will be useful to my life?
Why is this letter (w) is not called a double-v?
Why do people always say 'LMNOP' faster than the rest of the alphabet?
Why did someone in Mexico try to name their kid 'Facebook'?
How are people stupid enough for infomercials to work?
How can people watch Dr. Phil (and Oprah) for serious reasons, not just to make fun of it like I do?
Why do some realtors look and act so weird?
Why can't we all just get along?
Fondant: It's made of sugar but it tastes terrible, and yet people put it on food
Why can't sea snakes be kept in captivity?
Why do people like bacon, cupcakes and ice cream so much?

Slice of Life 3/11: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

This week I read The Fault in Our Stars. It is about a girl who has lung cancer and only five years to live. She goes to a cancer support group and meets this guy who lost his leg to cancer. They both really like this book and they go to Amsterdam together to meet the author and answer questions about the ending.
I loved it. This was one of the best books I have read in a long time. The characters were all well developed and I cared about them. I really liked the writing style and it was a really fast read. The plot was original and solid, in terms of completion and a good story arc. I would recommend this book to anyone.

Slice of Life 3/10

I woke up at 7:00 this morning, according to my alarm. I sat up, confused and disoriented for a moment, my body trying to pull itself back down and sleep for hours. The room was dark, and Waffles was still awake. Obviously her internal clock won't change anything because she doesn't use analog or digital. I was tired, like always, but for some unknown reason I was less tired than usual. Maybe my mom's prodding the night before had gotten me into bed early, or maybe it was an unnatural phenomenon.
As I sat in the car, feeling all clean and fresh with wet hair, I saw the sun rise as we drove down 6th Avenue. I don't really understand the time change, what happened or why it has to happen, but I'm just happy to have another sign that winter is almost over.

Slice of Life 3/9

She came home with my dad and brother, dirty and too tired to be her usual exuberant self. He said that she had done amazing, as always, but her the white feathering on the backs of her legs and stomach were caked in mud from the puddle that she used to cool off. Zippi is a Brittany, bred to point pheasants, chukar and quail. The hunting season is coming to an end, so my dad will take her a couple of times this month. She had goat-heads in her fur, and my parents used a comb meant for horses to untangle them. Finally it was my turn, because I'm willing to put on a swimsuit and get in the shower at nine at night. We have a shower just for the dogs, but it's small and open and very stressful for her, so we clean her in a human shower. I rubbed the dog shampoo through her fur, and my hand came out dirty. Little bits of debris and off-color suds were washed down the drain. Her tail was between her legs and her head was bowed, pressed against the door. Finally I scrubbed all the dirt from her white fur and rinsed her off. She shook the water off, then was assisted by the towel and was on her way.

Slice of Life 3/8

The secret to a perfect tiny scoop of ice cream is that cookie dough scooper thing.

 I stirred in the orange peel, hoping that the fire was not too hot and and my sugar was secure, all while instructing my brother on how to mold cookie dough to the outside of muffin tins. Cooking sugar always seems precarious, even if it is basically just simple syrup. They cooked for fifteen minutes, smelled oddly similar to bacon, cooled for an hour and were dipped in chocolate and chilled. My candied orange peels were only one element of my crazy weekend project, along with cookie bowls and orange sorbet. I made everything myself, I even juiced the oranges. My project took several hours, an unreasonable amount of sugar and a ton of dishes, but it was fun, and it was really good, and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing something other than watching TV. The question is, how much work is this product worth?

Slice of Life 3/7

I have never liked math. I don't know why, but some people like it and I guess I am just not in that minority. Yesterday I spent a total of two hours and forty-five minutes in math. It was unspeakably awful. There is a lot of stress involved with my math experience on Thursdays, because the morning is spent preparing for a quiz that will haunt me all morning, then once I take the quiz, my brain is used up for the day, which makes the rest of math and the last hour of school almost always unproductive. I always wonder why I hate it so much. It's logical, which I should like, and it involves problem-solving, which is very satisfying. I guess that trying to juggle a terrible grade cancels all that out, and once again, the repulsive power of math is too strong for my terribly weak attempts at positivity.

Slice of Life 3/6

Sometimes snow is disappointing and sometimes it's very exciting. During the winter I try as hard as I can to ignore the fact that global warming is definitely happening, which is why I am so excited to wake up to a fresh coat. It's officially March now, which means that although it is come rely normal weather, I am done with snow. I forget to appreciate how pretty it is. At least it is spring snow which means that it is almost spring, but real spring never involves copious amounts of frozen water. Then again, real winter doesn't involve seventy degree weather.

Slice of Life 3/5

Nancy and Tom are back from their honeymoon and they are so tan. Nancy said she used a special brand of suntan lotion. I cannot believe that they got to see the world's largest garden hose. Unbelievable. Meanwhile, my bridge club tried a new restaurant and it was much too spicy. I ended up at that dreadful hospital and just my luck, I got the dreadful nurse. Boy, she really let herself go, just like Jimmy before he died. I ran out of my lipstick on the day that I went to get my hair done. Imagine that! Walking into the beauty shop feeling completely unprepared. Melanie's daughter just had a baby. Isn't that wonderful? She's getting the arthritis so she might have to retire soon and I might have to find another beauty shop that knows how to do my hair how I want it. That's really it, but here is a recipe that I just love and is easy on my stomach:

1 box minute rice

1 stick bacon

1/4 lb. butter 

1 box lime jello

2 slices gluten free bread

1/4 cup mayonnaise 

Make jello and minute rice. Melt butter. Combine. Chop bacon as a garnish. Bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. Chill. Toast bread and spread thick layer of jello mixture. Add mayonnaise. Enjoy!

Slice of Life 3/3

So Nancy's weddng went without a htch. We sorted out the ssue with the cake manufacturer and she fnally lost the last 67 pounds and ft nto her wedding dress lke a glove. For heaven's sakes, where s the 'eye' key?  cannot fnd t. Oh, there it is. What a relief. Anyway, the dress was just darling. And also my grandchildren are just darling. Today little Kaeliyne took her first step and it was so precious and I even forgave my daughter-in-law for picking such a stupid name. I suggested Dorothy Hyacinth after my dear mother but they weren't having it. Hmm-mm, no ma'am. In my hometown it was disrespectful to disrespect your elders like that. She's a real daft little thing, always on her iWhoosawhatsit and tweetering and giving her personal information to all these Intranet creepers. Anyway, Nancy and Tom are so happy to be married and I could not be happier. They took their honeymoon to Columbus and I just cannot wait until they get back. My son taught me all about Intranet abbreviations and I am going to try some out. Oh, and Flo broke her hip. She is at that dreadful hospital downtown. I have not been to visit her because she is with the dreadful nurse who mixed up my pills when I had my operation. To end on a positive note, here is a lovely recipe that I tried at Nancy's wedding:

1 cup ham, diced
2 tomatoes
1 1/2 cups Sunpix hearts of palm
1 box fetuccine
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cup melted lard
pinch chili powder
pinch cinnamon
salt

Put ham, cream, tomatoes, hearts of palm and spices in blender. Pulse until smooth. Boil in pot. Cook noodles, strain and put back in pot with melted lard so they don't stick. Mix with sauce. Serve lukewarm.

 Author's note: I did not actually go to a wedding. This is my old person alter ego and her life is much more interesting than mine at the moment. This is also making fun of those bloggers who post general information about their lives that no one really cares about. This recipe is mostly real. It is from the back of the Hearts of Palm jar. 

Slice of Life 3/4: Everybody Sees the Ants by A.S. King and Shooting the Moon by Frances O'Roark Dowell

I forgot to read a book in these past two weeks, so I read two this week. Everybody Sees the Ants is about a kid who has been bullied by this other kid since he was in second grade. His parents are having marriage problems, so his mom takes his to Arizona to visit his aunt and uncle. He also has these dreams where he tries to rescue his grandfather, who never came home from the Vietnam War.
I really liked it. The main character was a believable teenager, and the author did a good job of exposing problems that people our age face while not making them seem incredibly stupid like some young adult authors. I liked the writing style and the protagonist had a very distinct and sarcastic voice. It was very interesting to read. The characters were all well developed and the many plot lines that were introduced were all tied up at the end. I would recommend this book to most people in our class, but it does have some mature themes.

My second book was Shooting the Moon. It is about a girl who has grown up in an army family and she is excited when her older brother enlists and is sent to Vietnam. Instead of letters, he sends her film, which she has to learn to develop. The pictures are graphic and bloody, and she learns that the army might not be as great as she thought it was.
I did not like this book. I didn't think it would be that young because the main character was about thirteen, but the author made her a total idiot. She also had no personality and the plot was incredibly predictable. The only good thing about this book was that the font was so big that it took me about an hour to read. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Slice of Life 3/2

         When I was in 4th grade, I was on an overnight and the vegetarian option was veggie lasagna or peanut butter and jelly. The latter seemed like the easier, more reliable option, but I was unjustly forced to eat the veggie lasagna, the most disgusting food I have ever eaten. Anyway, that is why I chose to go on the snowshoe trip on Friday. The Veggie Lasagna factor.
        Overall, it was disgusting. Basically, it was mushed up vegetables in between lasagna noodles, no cheese or anything. I ate it the same way I eat all horrible foods, by just picking at the less horrible parts. The edges of the noodles with no veggie mush tasted pretty good, the same way that the part of the digging the giant snow holes and eating lunch were fun on our field trip. And yet, the part that I still remember most vividly from both events were the bad parts, such as finding those little broccoli spores and painfully hiking up giant hills with feet that took a ton of effort to lift. Am I glad I ate the veggie lasagna? No. Am I glad that I went snowshoeing with my class? Yes. Somehow, the Veggie Lasagna factor has room for variation.